Subject: Family (Page 24)

Insanity doesn’t run in my family; it gallops.

(1904 – 1986) English-American actor
Family

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Family Relationships Science/Weather

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Children Definitions Family

From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress; not because she’s sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.

comedian
Family Mothers

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Definitions Family

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Characteristics Children Family Fathers

Can I Sit on Your Lap While You’re Pooping?

Book Titles Children

My husband's penis is like a semicolon… I can't remember what it's for and I never use it anyway.

British comedian
Family People Sex

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round.

(1935 – ) British author
Books Children Communication Family Life Reading/Writing Sex

I’ve wanted to have a baby for about five years, but she wants one forever.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family

The child that divides gets last pick.

Children Murphy’s Laws

A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Food/Drink

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly's our favorite now.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Children TV/Movie Quotes

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

(1958 – ) American actor & producer
Family Mothers TV/Movie Quotes

Kids… it’s like living with homeless people.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Children Family

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Children Communication Education Family Speech

Heredity: The bad traits a child gets from the other side of the family.

Definitions Family

My mother was like a sister to me… only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Mothers Sex