Subject: Family (Page 25)

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.

comedian & actor
Activities Children

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats Children Family

I don’t know who my grandfather was; I’m much more concerned to know who his grandson will be.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Family

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Family Fathers Sports

If in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Parents

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Children Young

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.

Children Family

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Mothers Murphy’s Laws People

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress
Family Men Mothers People Relationships Sex

A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

Children Family

Where there’s a will – there’s a relative!

(1961 – ) English comedian, actor, director, producer & writer
Death Family

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

(1964 – ) American country music singer
Family Mothers

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Things

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Characteristics Family

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

(1911 – 1989) television actress
Children Family