Subject: Family (Page 27)

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host
Children Family

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Parents Reading/Writing School

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Children Family Fathers

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Family Proverbs Relationships

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance Characteristics Children Intelligence Religion Wives

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Money Taxes

Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

Children Definitions Family

He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Children Family

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family Sex

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round.

(1935 – ) British author
Books Children Communication Family Life Reading/Writing Sex

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family Learning

I never saw my mother up close.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Family Mothers People Self

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers