Subject: Family (Page 28)

Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Age Children People

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children Family Speech Young

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

We've had bad luck with our kids… they've all grown up.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Age Children People

My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family Fathers

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers; we haven’t spoken since.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Family Fathers People Speech

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Emotions Family Happiness Relationships

I know if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Emotions Family Happiness Mothers

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Men Mothers People

A "good" family, it seems, is one that used to be better.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Family Relationships

You make ‘em, I amuse ‘em.

Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 – 1991) author & illustrator
Children Family

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

(1974 – ) American comedian
Children Family

You might be a redneck if… your parents met at a family reunion.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Parents People Rednecks

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Family Parents

Gifted Children: Unfortunate tykes who lack the good sense to hide their talents from overly ambitious parents.

Definitions Family

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Children Family Parents

Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.

(1941 – ) American actor
Age Children Family Parents

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Children Family

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death Fathers School Situations

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents