Subject: Family (Page 29)

Twin: A double-take.

You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we’re not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.

(1970 – ) American actress

I am fond of children (except boys).

(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer

My wife, she’s carrying our first child… he’s eight, the lazy little…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

When you’re a fat kid, you only get to be two things… funny and goalie.

(1980 – ) Canadian writer, comedian & political activist

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.

(1908 – 1999) English writer

Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.

(1922 – 1973) Israeli teacher & child psychologist

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

How to Traumatize Your Children

I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women; now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer

Every child is an artist; the problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.

(1881 – 1973) Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker & stage designer

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

(1904 – 1973) English novelist & biographer

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring; when she was in a good mood it turned blue… in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

comedian

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Blood's not thicker than money.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host