Subject: Family (Page 29)

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality

Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?

American comedian & writer

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round.

(1935 – ) British author

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.

typographer

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Can I Sit on Your Lap While You’re Pooping?

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author

Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.

(1924 – ) American actress & singer

It's better to go when you have to go – than to go and find you've already gone.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents; that surprised me, I was like “Mom did you read this?”

(1957 – ) American comedian

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.

(1922 – 1973) Israeli teacher & child psychologist

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.

writer

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor