Subject: Family (Page 29)

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Things Young

I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father; he said he wanted more proof.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Fathers People Self

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

I spent 10 minutes with her [my sister’s] four kids, and my ovaries tied themselves in a knot.

American comedian
Children Family

Her mother was a cultivated women… she was born in a greenhouse.

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Family Mothers

Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Science/Weather

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Children Family

I get on very well with my parents, give or take my mother.

English comedian & actor
Family Mothers Parents

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Characteristics Children Fear Health People

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Family Women

Cycling's a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets.

Children Sports

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.

Family Mothers Proverbs

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Children Family

Parents: People who use the rhythm method of birth control.

Family Parents

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Children Young

Distant Relative: One who can be very distant – especially when he has lots of money.

Definitions Family

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Parents Self Understanding

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

Billy Almon has all of his inlaw and outlaws here this afternoon.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Family Misspokements

You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Mothers Success