Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 29)
Twin: A double-take.
Definitions
Family
Twin
You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we’re not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.
Julie Bowen
(1970 – ) American actress
Family
Mothers
People
Self
TV/Movie Quotes
As Claire Dunphy in “Modern Family”
I am fond of children (except boys).
Lewis Carroll
(1832 – 1898) English author, mathematician, logician & photographer
Children
Family
Boys
My wife, she’s carrying our first child… he’s eight, the lazy little…
Lee Mack
(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Children
Family
We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children
Family
Mothers
Old
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals
Children
Dogs
Family
When you’re a fat kid, you only get to be two things… funny and goalie.
Charles Demers
(1980 – ) Canadian writer, comedian & political activist
Appearance
Body
Children
Fat
Goalies
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family
Work
Brothers
My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it.
Quentin Crisp
(1908 – 1999) English writer
Family
Fathers
Mothers
World
Having a kid is great… as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.
Adam Sandler
(1966 – ) American actor, comedian, screenwriter & film producer
Children
Family
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.
Haim Ginott
(1922 – 1973) Israeli teacher & child psychologist
Age
Family
Parents
Younger Generation
Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton
(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host
Children
Family
My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family
Parents
Self
Understanding
Japan
How to Traumatize Your Children
By Knock Knock
Book Titles
Children
I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women; now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.
Paul Reiser
(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children
Family
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.
Bonnie McFarlane
Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs
Children
Family
Fathers
Marriage
Religion
Every child is an artist; the problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.
Pablo Picasso
(1881 – 1973) Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker & stage designer
Art
Children
Entertainment
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford
(1904 – 1973) English novelist & biographer
Children
Family
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring; when she was in a good mood it turned blue… in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
Jeff Shaw
comedian
Family
Mothers
Mood rings
Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Driving
Family
Fathers
Blood's not thicker than money.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family
Money
Relationships
Page 29 of 34
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