Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 29)
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family
Self
You might be a redneck if… your dad’s cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family
Fathers
People
Rednecks
Cells
Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.
David Frost
(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Children
Family
Everyone talks about dead-beat dads; what about the kids who just aren’t worth the child support?
David Feldman
American comedian & writer
Children
Divorce
Family
Marriage
Child support
Dead-beat dads
Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.
Mike DeStefano
(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Death
Fathers
School
Situations
Hardship
Shoes
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way round.
David Lodge
(1935 – ) British author
Books
Children
Communication
Family
Life
Reading/Writing
Sex
I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family
Parents
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
Max Kaufman
typographer
Family
Relationships
Sex
Incest
For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family
Mammogram
Sister
Can I Sit on Your Lap While You’re Pooping?
Matthew Carroll
Book Titles
Children
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Family
Relationships
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family
Mothers
Holidays
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Baseball
Children
Money
Sports
Wealth
Millionaires
There are only two things a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
Benjamin Spock
(1903 – 1998) American pediatrician & author
Age
Children
Family
Health
Mothers
Disease
Wrinkles are hereditary; parents get them from their children.
Doris Day
(1924 – ) American actress & singer
Appearance
Children
Family
Parents
Wrinkles
It's better to go when you have to go – than to go and find you've already gone.
Campbell's Travelling-with-the-Kids Law
Children
Murphy’s Laws
Travel
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos
Children
Things
Car windows
I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents; that surprised me, I was like “Mom did you read this?”
Brian Regan
(1957 – ) American comedian
Family
Situations
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.
Haim Ginott
(1922 – 1973) Israeli teacher & child psychologist
Age
Family
Parents
Younger Generation
A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.
Marcelene Cox
writer
Activities
Family
Mothers
Vacations
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Age
Family
Old
Parents
Places
Florida
Page 29 of 34
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