Subject: Family (Page 3)

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.

(1952 – ) comedian
Family

An ugly baby is a very nasty object – and the prettiest is frightful.

(1819 – 1901) English monarch of the United Kingdom
Children Family

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Characteristics Children

I’m a sensitive guy; I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Children Emotions

The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

My wife, she’s carrying our first child… he’s eight, the lazy little…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Children Family

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

You might be a redneck if… you removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People Rednecks Things

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Children Family Parents

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

In case it is one of mine.

(1785 – 1859) Boston boot maker & probation reformer
Family

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family Parents

Rich people bring a lawyer; Latinos and blacks bring their moms.

(1976 – ) comedian
Lawyers Money Mothers People

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Family

Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Age Children Emotions

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Situations

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

(384 BC – 322 BC) Greek philosopher
Age Children Family Fathers Mothers

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Characteristics Family Mothers