Subject: Family (Page 3)

Unwed Mother: One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter’s talent for becoming invisible at will.

Definitions Family

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Children Family

You might be a redneck if… your parents met at a family reunion.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Parents People Rednecks

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Children Communication Family Honesty Lies Speech Truth

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

Book Titles Family Mothers

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you’re telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Emotions Family Love

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist
Children Family

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

Family Money Relationships

Incest is relatively boring.

Family Sex Wordplay

My old man never liked me; he gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

You might be a redneck if… your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Education Family Fathers People Rednecks School

All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.

comedian
Appearance Body Family Fathers

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children Family Health Men Women

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in the exchange.

Family Money Murphy’s Laws Relationships

Trying to get a little kid dressed is like gift-wrapping an octopus.

American writer
Appearance Children Clothing Family

Marry your son when you will, but your daughter when you can.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Family Marriage Relationships

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

Children Family Mothers Situations

I would rather start a family than finish one.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Family

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay