Subject: Family (Page 30)

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving Family Fathers

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Parents Self Understanding

We've had bad luck with our kids… they've all grown up.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Age Children People

Fathers should neither be seen nor heard; that is the only proper basis for family life.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Family Fathers

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children Eating Food/Drink Money

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Mothers

My grandmother died having sex… I still cry every time I watch the video.

(Uncle Lar) American comedian
Age Family Sex

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Children Family

It’s better to be black than gay, because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.

(1926 – 1999) actor, comedian & female impersonator
Family Mothers

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics Family Situations

Twin: A double-take.

Definitions Family

I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age Family Relationships Sex

Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Relationships Things

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Family Fathers Sex

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats Children Family

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Children Eating People

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers

Cycling's a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets.

Children Sports