Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 30)
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.
Mel Lazarus
(1927 – ) American cartoonist (Momma)
Children
Family
Travel
Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
Anonymous
Definitions
Family
Parents
Wordplay
He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’
Wanda Sykes
(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Children
Family
Childproofing
Safety
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?
Doug Stanhope
(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children
Friends
People
Travel
Sex offenders
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children
Family
Learning
Can I Sit on Your Lap While You’re Pooping?
Matthew Carroll
Book Titles
Children
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
O'Toole's Axiom
Children
Family
Murphy’s Laws
My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.
Greg Behrendt
(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Family
Fathers
Sports
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Children
Family
It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.
Sam Austin
comedian, composer & lyricist
Appearance
Characteristics
Mothers
Black
Homosexuals
Time moves slower in a fast moving vehicle.
Relativity for Children
Children
Murphy’s Laws
Time
Transportation
They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Family
Parents
Adoption
Jokes
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children
Family
People
Self
You want to look younger… rent smaller children.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Appearance
Children
Young
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
Mothers
I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Books
Children
Yogi-isms
Encyclopedias
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Wilson Mizner
(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family
Mothers
Bed
Birth
Embarrassment
I first suspected that my father was gay when I asked him to pick a number between one and ten, and he was all, ‘I’m gay.’
Andy Samberg
(1978 – ) American actor, comedian & writer
Family
Fathers
Homosexuals
It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.
Proverb
Children
Money
Proverbs
Sex
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for.
Ogden Nash
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children
Family
Fathers
Mothers
Parents
Ignore
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family
Work
Brothers
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