Subject: Family (Page 30)

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Children Family

Are you ever walking down the street and you see some guy you kind of know, and you don’t want to say hi, but you sort of have to because he’s your dad?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Family Fathers

Adults are just obsolete children.

Theodor Seuss Geisel (1904 – 1991) author & illustrator
Children People

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host
Children Family

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Children Communication Misspokements Mothers

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system; the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

They’re both on drugs, they both detest you and neither of them has a job.

(Robert Norman Davis) (1945 – ) British comedian & actor
Family

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Family Women

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Children Exaggerations People Women

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.


Family Fathers

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

There is a special bathroom in heaven for the father of girls.

Children Family

My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn’t have to pay the extra fifty cents the adults had to pay.

(1947 – ) basketball player, coach & actor
Age Appearance Children Family

There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

Anna Haycraft (1932 – 2005) English writer & essayist
Children Emotions Love Men Women

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children Family

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
America Characteristics Family Fathers People Places