Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 30)
Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Driving
Family
Fathers
Enough is never enough.
Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood I
Children
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Enough
My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family
Parents
Self
Understanding
Japan
We've had bad luck with our kids… they've all grown up.
Christopher Morley
(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Age
Children
People
Grown
Luck
Fathers should neither be seen nor heard; that is the only proper basis for family life.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Family
Fathers
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Children
Eating
Food/Drink
Money
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
Wilson Mizner
(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family
Mothers
Bed
Birth
Embarrassment
My grandmother died having sex… I still cry every time I watch the video.
Larry Reeb
(Uncle Lar) American comedian
Age
Family
Sex
Grandmothers
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Children
Family
Bathrooms
It’s better to be black than gay, because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.
Charles Pierce
(1926 – 1999) actor, comedian & female impersonator
Family
Mothers
Black
Homosexuals
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics
Family
Situations
Conscience
Mother-in-law
Twin: A double-take.
Definitions
Family
Twin
I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.
Zach Galifianakis
(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age
Family
Relationships
Sex
Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
On raising twins
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family
Relationships
Things
Diapers
Gifts
Grandmothers
One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie… the one thing you don’t want to hear in that situation is, ‘Son, move over.’
Dave Attell
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment
Family
Fathers
Sex
Pornography
A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.
Doug Larson
(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals
Cats
Children
Family
Kittens
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
P.J. O'Rourke
(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals
Children
Eating
People
Fish
And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.
Stewart Francis
Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family
Fathers
Cycling's a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets.
David Bean
Children
Sports
Cycling
Page 30 of 34
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