Subject: Family (Page 30)

Never raise your hand to your children it leaves your midsection unprotected.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Children Conflict People

Kin: An affliction of the blood.

Definitions Family

You know a man is a redneck if his mama keeps a spit-can on the ironin' board.

(1926 – 1998) American country comedian
Family Mothers People Rednecks

Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.

Children Definitions Family

Blood's not thicker than money.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family Money Relationships

I love my family, but that is no reason why I need to acknowledge them in public.

(1929 – ) English actress & singer
Family TV/Movie Quotes

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

Bernadette: Everyone’s a better mom than me.

(1981 – ) Indian-English actor
Family Mothers

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Parents

Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Books Children Yogi-isms

Except that right-side-up is best, there is not much to learn about holding a baby.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Children Family People Travel

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Children Family

Fathers should neither be seen nor heard; that is the only proper basis for family life.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Family Fathers

I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Children Family Fathers Ugly

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

Heredity: The bad traits a child gets from the other side of the family.

Definitions Family

With the birth of a child you lose two novels.

(1955 – ) Scottish writer
Books Children Communication Family Reading/Writing

Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family