Subject: Family (Page 31)

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations

Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Family Mothers Relationships

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

A child is a person who can’t understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats Children Family

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian
Children Marriage Wives

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old; oh, I’d read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Things

My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom; I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

(1956 – ) American model & actress
Family Men Mothers People Relationships Sex

Four words every mom dreads hearing: “You're under arrest, mom.”


Family Mothers

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family

Heredity: What a man believes in until his son begins to behave like a delinquent.

Definitions Family

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Children Definitions Education

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers; good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

(1952 – ) comedian
Mothers Relationships

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

How do I explain her? [her mother] She’s as respected as Mother Theresa, she’s as powerful as Stalin, and she’s as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Family Mothers TV/Movie Quotes

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
America Children Family Parents People Places

Bernadette: Everyone’s a better mom than me.

(1981 – ) Indian-English actor
Family Mothers

Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Science/Weather

My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Family Mothers Religion

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents