Subject: Family (Page 4)

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

Having a holiday weekend without a family member felt like putting on a sweater that had an extra arm.

(1975 – ) author, screenwriter & actress
Family

If it tastes good, you can't have it; if it tastes awful, you'd better clean your plate.

Children Eating Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around; but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Fathers Intelligence Learning Stupidity Wisdom

I refuse to admit I'm more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Age Children Old

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Family Fathers Sports

A father is a banker provided by nature.

Family Fathers Proverbs

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Family Relationships

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Children Family Old

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Family

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Family Proverbs Relationships

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

(1936 – ) television talk show host
Children Family Parents

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents

I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian
Children Communication Family Speech

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.

Children Definitions Family

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice; for ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Communication Family Fathers Killing Mothers Speech

A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Food/Drink

They have keys to my house, which is – that’s a mistake… cause they’re supposed to be emergency keys, and their idea of an emergency is to come in and leave me apple juice.

(1960 – ) American actress, stand-up comedian & media personality
Family Parents