Subject: Family (Page 8)

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Family Relationships

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Relationships Things

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Family Mothers Situations

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow; we called her Melony.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Children Family

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Children Family

Birthday parties always end in tears.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

How to Traumatize Your Children

Book Titles Children

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian
Activities Driving Family Fathers People

I was born when my dad was 50; it’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you… we’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Age Family Fathers Old Young

Smack your child every day; if you don’t know why – he does.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Children Family

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.

comedian & actor
Activities Children

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Children Family Parents Success

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Children People Things

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

Book Titles Family Mothers

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children TV/Movie Quotes

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Emotions Family Happiness Relationships

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

Children