Subject: Family » Parents

The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Family Parents

I was raised by my father; my mother left before I was born.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Children Family Parents

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Children Family Parents Success

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

Little League baseball is a good thing ’cause it keeps the parents off the streets, and it keeps the kids out of the house!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Children Parents Sports Yogi-isms

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents

Many children threaten at times to run away from home — this is the only thing that keeps many parents going.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Parents

Whatever a parent does is wrong.

Failure Family Murphy’s Laws Parents Problems Young

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
America Children Family Parents People Places

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Age Children Communication Family Parents Speech Young

I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents; it was on a note, in my room.

comedian
Life Parents Situations

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

(1936 – ) television talk show host
Children Family Parents

My mother and father were really so poor they couldn’t afford to have any children, the lady next door had us.

(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor
Family Parents

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Beliefs Children Family Parents Religion

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

Parents – especially step-parents – are sometimes a bit of a disappointment to their children; they don’t fulfill the promise of their early years.

(1905 – 2000) English writer
Children Family Parents

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both seems like carelessness.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Family Parents Relationships

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Family Parents Situations