Subject: Food/Drink (Page 40)

I don’t like meals for one; it’s not that they make me feel lonely… it’s that they’re not big enough.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Food/Drink Self

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

No matter how many beautifully crafted, near-to-perfection baked goods you crank out on a regular basis, the moment one such item becomes required in some official capacity, it will flop.

Cooking Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

You might be a redneck if… your your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Alcohol Beer Entertainment People Rednecks

The food in such places is so tasteless because the members associate spices and garlic with just the sort of people they're trying to keep out.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Food/Drink People

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Age Food/Drink Money Old

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

Glutton: A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Eating

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Sex

If you stop eating donuts you will live three years longer; it’s just three more years that you want a donut.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Death Food/Drink Life

The food on the plane was fit for a king… “Here, King!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Food/Drink

One drink is just right; two is too many; three are too few.

Alcohol Food/Drink Proverbs

How do you know when fish goes bad? … it smells like fish either way!

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink

A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian
Food/Drink People

1. If you're wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn't. 2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did.

Cooking Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.

Beer Definitions Food/Drink

When you have bacon and eggs for breakfast, the chicken makes a contribution… the pig makes a commitment.

(1925 – 1990) Canadian hockey player, coach & general manager
Eating Food/Drink