Subject: Food/Drink (Page 41)

Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

Food/Drink Signs

An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Work

Follow seven beers with a couple of Scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer
Activities Alcohol Drugs Sleep

It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.

(1934 – ) American actress, dancer, activist & author
Alcohol Characteristics Elections/Voting

I’ve got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet!

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes

Well, you know, plants are living things, too; they're just easier to catch.

(1960 – ) American stand-up comedian & writer
Food/Drink

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt;” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

What the sober man thinks the drunkard tells.

Alcohol Food/Drink

I went to a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries…’ the girl at the counter said, ‘would you like some fries with that?’

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink Situations

The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.

Cooking Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

Appetizers are little things you keep eating until you lose your appetite.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
Food/Drink

Caramel: A substance for extracting children’s teeth.

Definitions Food/Drink

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers… the original meal was never found.

(1959 – ) British/American actress, comedian, director, author & screenwriter
Eating Food/Drink Mothers

I love Grape Nuts – except, lots of times, I forget to put milk on them the night before I want to eat them.

American cinematographer & television director
Eating Food/Drink

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor
Food/Drink Health Life

Friend: That drink is slow poison.

Benchley’s reply: So who’s in a hurry?

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Alcohol Food/Drink

The best number for a dinner party is two – myself and a damn good head waiter.

(1896 – 1972) Turkish-born Armenian business magnate
Eating Food/Drink People

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

My first words were ‘Seconds, please.’

(1953 – ) American comedian & television host
Communication Eating Food/Drink Self Speech

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass; the refill contained the antidote.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Alcohol Appearance Insults