Subject: Health » Doctors

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

(1940 – ) American basketball coach

Optometrist: A person you have to see.

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

There are only two sorts of doctors: those who practice with their brains, and those who practice with their tongues.

(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician

A man walked into the doctor’s; he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.' … The doctor said, ‘well don’t go there any more.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Doctors bury their mistakes, but mine are still on scholarship.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

He’s a fool that makes his doctor his heir.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor

A man walked into the doctor’s; the doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.' … The man replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician