Subject: Health » Doctors (Page 4)

[to the doctor] How about what I done for you in the bottle there? Ya know, the eulogy test.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

God heals and the doctor takes the fee.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If your time ain’t come, not even a doctor can kill you.

This is one of the healthiest X-rays I’ve ever seen… but if we compare that with yours…

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Folies Bergeres and looks at the audience.

(1913 – 1995) British Anglican Bishop

Doctors bury their mistakes, but mine are still on scholarship.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him.

Paradox: Two physicians.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

(1918 – 2007) American entertainer, actor & television host

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist

I got a postcard from my gynecologist; It said, “Did you know it’s time for your annual check-up?” … no, but now my mailman does.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director

A man walked into the doctor’s; the doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.' … The man replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

The doctor demands his fees whether he has killed the illness or the patient.