Subject: Health » Doctors (Page 4)

Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.’s for the purpose of weeding out the weak and infirm among them, and eroding the health of the survivors sufficiently to ensure better empathy in the years to come.

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there’s a funeral.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter

I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine, but it turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian

Psychiatrist: A head coach.

The longer I practice medicine the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don’t.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.

Most Doctors Agree Breathing Regularly is Good for You

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director

Groinocologist

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Doctor: The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

You know, the only difference between me and a surgeon or a pediatrician is that when I approach a couple with a child and say, ‘I’d like to keep him for a few days and do some bloodwork,’ it’s considered inappropriate.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

Paradox: Two physicians.

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer