Subject: Health (Page 14)

At first, you fear you will die; then, after it has a good hold on you, you fear you won’t die.

(1876 – 1916) American author, journalist & social activist
Health

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better; but don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

I learned a long time ago that minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.

American basketball player
Basketball Health Sports

I went to medical school here at Columbia; I got my M.D.; and was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up – and not just because of the lawsuits.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician
Doctors Education Health Law School

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer.

(1924 – 2009) English broadcaster, writer, politician & chef
Activities Age Health Time

Germs attack people where they're weakest – which is why there are so many head colds.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Intelligence

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Age Entertainment Health Music

An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

… one says to the other her mum had a cyst on on her aviary.

Health Malaprops

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Health

He was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer.

Health Malaprops

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Doctors Health Work

We may lay down a maxim, that when a nation abounds in physicians it grows thin of people.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws People

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… well, it's killing me!

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities Health

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws Problems

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun.

(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor
Health

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Beliefs Health Religion

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot; finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach
Doctors Health Occupations Sports Work

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called “Suffering From a Mental Illness.”

(1975 – ) blogger
Health Housework

Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Death Health Misspokements