Subject: Health (Page 18)

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health Sex

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

Doctors Health

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Doctors Health Situations

Paradox: Two physicians.

Definitions Doctors Wordplay

Neurotic means he is not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means he’s even worse than my brother-in-law.

(1893 – 1990) American psychiatrist
Health

Mobile phone cancer is more common in the city; so is everything else, including sex, coffee and conversation.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Things

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Age Entertainment Health Music

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better; but don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m ugly and he told me to lay on the couch… face down!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Doctors Health Ugly

Minor Operation: One performed on someone else.

Definitions Health

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

Definitions Doctors Health

I’d have to get better just to die.

Expressions Health

We may lay down a maxim, that when a nation abounds in physicians it grows thin of people.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws People

God may choose to heal someone from cancer, yet that person still has a great deal of medical bills; the outstanding bills do not determine whether or not the patient has been healed by God.

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Beliefs God Health Misspokements

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it.

Definitions Doctors Health

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Doctors Health

He once had a unbiblical hernia.

Health Malaprops

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Health

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Alcohol Characteristics Doctors Health