Subject: Health (Page 19)

One finger in the throat and one in the rectum makes a good diagnostician.

(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician
Doctors Health

I shouldn’t tell jokes about my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive… the refrigerator.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Health

X-Ray: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Health

The reforms we seek would bring greater competition, choice, savings and inefficiencies to our health care system.

(1961 – ) 44th U.S. president
Government Health Misspokements

In the middle of an asthma attack she got an obscene phone call; the guy said, “Did I call you or did you call me?”

comedian
Health Sex

Nothing trivial, I hope.

(1839 – 1919) Irish writer
Health Insults

I'm the boy in the bubble without the bubble.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Money

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Health Money

Keep paying the electricity bill.

Health

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Health

Time may be a great healer, but’s it’s a lousy beautician.

Appearance Health Time

I had some eyeglasses… I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

The doctor demands his fees whether he has killed the illness or the patient.

Doctors Health Proverbs

She caught a touch of laryngosis from the smoke.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Misspokements

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun.

(1933 – 1998) comedian & actor
Health

A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness… from all the free drinks.

(1962 – ) American actor and talk show host
Alcohol Appearance Health

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health Situations

It's no longer a question of staying healthy; it's a question of finding a sickness you like.

(1934 – ) comedian
Health

I’ve just learned about his illness; let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Health Insults

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee

And I’ll forgive the allergies.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Health