Subject: Health (Page 19)

You don't get ulcers from what you eat; you get them from what's eating you.

(1888 – 1960) Austrian writer
Eating Food/Drink Health Problems

I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Health

A rule of thumb in the matter of medical advice is to take everything any doctor says with a grain of aspirin.


Doctors Health Wordplay

Dyselxics Have More Nuf.

Communication Health Language

I just hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I am tired of walking 5Ks.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities Health

We drink to one another’s health, and spoil our own.

(1859 – 1927) English writer
Food/Drink Health

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Health People Self Work

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Health

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

If your time ain’t come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Proverbs

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health Love Marriage Wives

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Health Sex

Among the many remedies that won’t cure a cold, the most common is advice.

Beliefs Health

If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Health

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot… unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Health People

Life is an incurable condition: the only known treatment is to try to keep the patient comfortable.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Health Life

Vaccine: A microbe with his face washed.

Definitions Health

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath… he holds up his arms

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Health

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot; finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach
Doctors Health Occupations Sports Work

I was [having sex] with this girl… and it was pretty wild; I explained to her that I’d not had it in 2 years because I’d been in the VD clinic.. she replied ‘How’s the food? … I’m going in tomorrow!’

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Health Sex