Subject: Health (Page 19)

My cholesterol count has a comma.

(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian
Health Self

Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.

Health Murphy’s Laws People

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o’clock in the morning.

(1882 – 1942) American actor
Food/Drink Health

The longer I practice medicine the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don’t.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright
Clothing Doctors Health

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Health Life

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Doctors Health

I told him he’d have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Health Misspokements

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health Misspokements Speech

1. All the IVs are at the other end of the hall.

2. There are two kinds of adhesive tape: the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come off.

Health Murphy’s Laws

If it tastes good, you can't have it; if it tastes awful, you'd better clean your plate.

Characteristics Food/Drink Health

I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine, but it turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician
Doctors Emotions Health Laughter

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian
Appearance Health Husbands Marriage Ugly

Go to the gyropractor and get fixed?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

No physician is really good before he has killed one or two patients.

Doctors Health Proverbs

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Health

Mobile phone cancer is more common in the city; so is everything else, including sex, coffee and conversation.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Things

My uncle died of Lou Sterrett's disease.

Health Malaprops

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health Problems

Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Body Definitions Health

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Money