Subject: Health (Page 20)

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine, but it turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician
Doctors Emotions Health Laughter

Doctor: The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold.

Definitions Doctors Health

Psychiatrist: A head coach.

Definitions Doctors Health

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called “Suffering From a Mental Illness.”

(1975 – ) blogger
Health Housework

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Health Sex

Doctor: A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you.

Definitions Doctors Health

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Family Fathers Health

Somewhere in the world is… the world’s worst doctor… and he could be yours.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health

I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Activities Health Places

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Characteristics Children Fear Health People

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

(1867 – 1959) architect, interior designer, writer & educator
Doctors Health Mistakes

I have Bright's Disease… and he has mine.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Health Wordplay

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Health Money

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health

As I get older I'm going to hear "You look great" a lot less than I'm going to hear "You look sick.”

American stand-up comedian
Age Appearance Health Old

The less we know about a disease, the more medicines are available to treat it.

Health Murphy’s Laws

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

(1927 – 2018) British comedian, singer & songwriter
Health

Corona-rary bypass.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops