Subject: Health (Page 23)

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health Problems

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations

A doctor’s reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Death Doctors Health

Take the juice of two quarts of whisky…

(1904 – 1973) American guitarist & bandleader
Alcohol Health

It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Health Money Murphy’s Laws Wealth

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hollywood Places

He died of cirrhosis of the liver… it costs money to die of cirrhosis of the liver.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Death Health Money

People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health Wordplay

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Doctors Golf Health Sports

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws Problems

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Food/Drink Health

If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

It's this disease that only white girls catch from glamour magazines.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Health

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Health

Probably a torn filament right there in the kneecap.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

(1940 – ) American basketball coach
Doctors Health Life

The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Health Sex

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising… it was the only exercise I got.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Alcohol Exercise Food/Drink Health

No child throws up in the bathroom.

Children Health Murphy’s Laws

Don’t knock coronaries… they’re all we women have got to guarantee us a prosperous and exciting middle age.

(1932 – 2000) English author & academic
Health People Women

You don't get ulcers from what you eat; you get them from what's eating you.

(1888 – 1960) Austrian writer
Eating Food/Drink Health Problems