Subject: Health (Page 23)

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health

My dad’s third heart attack, he’d gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because, ‘They won’t let me smoke in the ambulance!' and ‘You can’t make a burger run.'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Health

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink Health

I shouldn’t tell jokes about my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive… the refrigerator.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Food/Drink Health

I'm beginning to have morning sickness… I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Health

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations

Optometrist: A person you have to see.

Definitions Doctors

VD: The gift that keeps on giving.

Definitions Health

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Doctors Health Occupations

My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Death Health

Virus: A Latin medical term meaning, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Definitions Health

I think we should change the name of Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes to ‘Not Your Fault Diabetes’ and ‘Mostly Your Fault Diabetes.’

American comedian
Health

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Health

The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Doctors Health

I did not fully understand the dread term 'terminal illness' until I saw Heathrow Airport for myself.

(1935 – 1994) English writer
Health Places

Study: Ecstasy Causes Brain Damage

Drugs Headlines Health

He (Gaylord Perry) should be in the Hall of Fame with a tube of KY jelly attached to his plaque.

(1925 – 2005) American baseball player & manager
Baseball Health Sports

Both of my children had the chicken pops when they were young.

Health Malaprops

Please excuse Timmy from school Friday. He has very loose vowels.

Health Malaprops