Subject: Health (Page 23)

Bill Walton is incredible; if you drop a toothpick on his foot, he'll have a stress fracture.

American basketball coach
Basketball Health Sports

My cholesterol count has a comma.

(1964 – 2014) American actor, Broadway performer & stand-up comedian
Health Self

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Age Health

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor
Food/Drink Health Life

In the face of such overwhelming statistical possibilities, hypochondria has always seemed to me to be the only rational position to take on life.

(1953 – 2001) British journalist & broadcaster
Health

God heals and the doctor takes the fee.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Beliefs Doctors God Health Money

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean “your guess is as good as mine.”

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Doctors Health

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Family Health Parents

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Health Money Places

The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.

Death Doctors Health

Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.

Health Murphy’s Laws

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws Problems

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

Why is it that men who can go through severe accidents, air raids, and any other major crisis always seem to think that they are at death's door when they have a simple head cold?"

(1898 – 1992) American actress
Health Men People

Busted tribia

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

My dad’s third heart attack, he’d gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because, ‘They won’t let me smoke in the ambulance!' and ‘You can’t make a burger run.'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Health

Life is an incurable condition: the only known treatment is to try to keep the patient comfortable.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Health Life

A cure for agoraphobics is just around the corner.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Health Language

Any dentist who says “This won’t hurt a bit” is lying through your teeth.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Health

If your time ain’t come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Proverbs

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Definitions Health