Subject: Health (Page 24)

Love conquers all things… except poverty and toothache.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Emotions Health Love Money

Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.’s for the purpose of weeding out the weak and infirm among them, and eroding the health of the survivors sufficiently to ensure better empathy in the years to come.

Definitions Doctors

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Insults Places

Vagina?… that sounds like something you call in sick with.

American comedian & television host
Communication Health Language

I was [having sex] with this girl… and it was pretty wild; I explained to her that I’d not had it in 2 years because I’d been in the VD clinic.. she replied ‘How’s the food? … I’m going in tomorrow!’

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Health Sex

She got her good looks from her father, he’s a plastic surgeon.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Doctors Family Fathers Health

If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts.

(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Health

Be careful about reading health books for you may die of a misprint.

(1747 – 1803) German Jewish physician & lecturer on philosophy
Books Communication Death Health Reading/Writing

When you become senile, you won't know it.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Age Health Memory Old

Groinocologist

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Doctors Health Malaprops

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Emotions Happiness Health

If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young.

(1919 – ) American sportswriter
Age Death Food/Drink Health

If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better; but don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

A cure for agoraphobics is just around the corner.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Health Language

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette; we passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Girls Health Old Women

 I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4½ minutes – when they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Baseball Death Health Sports

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

I got the bill for my surgery; now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Doctors Health

I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

I’m so frightened of disease that it’s to the point I won’t have sex with someone… unless they say… you know… “Okay.”

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Health Sex

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Doctors Health