Subject: Health (Page 24)

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Definitions Health

I quit because I was in the hospital and I realized that I truly believed that laughter was the best medicine, but it turns out penicillin works a hell of a lot better.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician
Doctors Emotions Health Laughter

Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? … ever… there’s no reciprocity.


Health Things

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Death Doctors Health Money

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Health

Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician.

(1664 – 1721) English poet & diplomat
Death Doctors Health

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

He died of cirrhosis of the liver… it costs money to die of cirrhosis of the liver.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Death Health Money

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America Health Places

Never say “oops” while your patient is conscious.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws Problems

Any dentist who says “This won’t hurt a bit” is lying through your teeth.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Health

What this world needs is a damned good plague.

Health Murphy’s Laws Places World

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Health

People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health Wordplay

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of a prescription.

Health Murphy’s Laws Time

There definitely needs to be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer
Alcohol Health Misspokements Sports

I suffer from a deviant septum.

Health Malaprops

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

I got the bill for my surgery; now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Doctors Health

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Health Money