Subject: Health (Page 6)

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year… then I'm going to Lourdes.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Doctors Health

I go to a woman dentist… it a relief to be told to open my mouth instead of shut it.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Health

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Health

I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem; he only wants to assassinate the vice president.

television writer, producer & director
Characteristics Conflict Health Killing

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.

Health Murphy’s Laws

Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better.

Definitions Health

Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.

Health Murphy’s Laws People

As I understand President Bush's Medicare plan, it provides for unlimited coverage for anyone over 72 whose parents can pass the physical.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian
Age Government Health Old

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg… but leukemia is worse still.

English former football player & manager
Health Misspokements Sports

If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

American actor & comedian
Health People Women

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Health

Some hospitals are so crowded that the only way you can get in is by accident.


Health Wordplay

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Death Doctors Health Money

Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician.

(1664 – 1721) English poet & diplomat
Death Doctors Health

Four hundred bucks an hour for being sort of nice to sad people.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor
Doctors Health Money Occupations

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Health Wives

It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Health Money Murphy’s Laws Wealth

New Sick Policy Requires 2-day Notice

Headlines Health