Subject: Health (Page 7)

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health Love Marriage Wives

When I was a kid I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood and one time we got caught… luckily, it was a Wednesday and we were just playing golf.

comedian
Doctors Occupations Work

Minor Operation: One performed on someone else.

Definitions Health

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Health Sex

I'm going to have minor brain surgery.

American auto racer
Auto racing Health Sports

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

comedian
Doctors Health People Self

Most Doctors Agree Breathing Regularly is Good for You

Doctors Headlines Health

I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.

American comedian
Health

There are only two sorts of doctors: those who practice with their brains, and those who practice with their tongues.

(1849 – 1919) Canadian physician
Doctors Health

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Doctors Health Old Things

People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant; I came down with hepatitis… the trainer injected me with it.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Activities Baseball Health Sports

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws

Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from 9 hours of liposuction and plastic surgery – or, as it's commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Death Health Places

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Doctors Health

Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

(Robert Norman Davis) (1945 – ) British comedian & actor
Emotions Health Laughter

The biggest difference between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist has learned how to live with it.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Doctors Health Life People

Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.’s for the purpose of weeding out the weak and infirm among them, and eroding the health of the survivors sufficiently to ensure better empathy in the years to come.

Definitions Doctors

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.


(1608 – 1661) English churchman & historian
Doctors Health

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Doctors Health People

The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

(1921 – 2000) comedian, television host, musician, actor & writer
Health