Subject: Health (Page 7)

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay, but here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Government Health Money

It's hard to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenics just because she lives in your body.

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian
Health People Self

Probably the best thing that happened to me was going nuts. Nobody knew who I was until that happened.

(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder
Baseball Health Sports

My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

(1918 – 2007) American entertainer, actor & television host
Doctors Health Money

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look… twins!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Doctors

Liposuction: A surgical procedure from which the patient emerges significantly lighter in both pounds and dollars.

Appearance Body Definitions Health

Busted tribia

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

If a patient dies, the doctor killed him, but if he gets well, the saints have saved him.

Doctors Health Proverbs

I thought AAA was an organization for people who are really bad alcoholics.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Age Happiness Health Old

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Sex Situations

Just imagine what he’ll be like when senility kicks in… if it hasn’t already.

English former football player & manager
Health Intelligence Mind Misspokements

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Doctors Men

We are the sort of people who make health insurance popular.

Canadian hockey goaltender
Health Hockey Sports

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Memory Situations

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

comedian
Doctors Health People Self

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Health

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Entertainment Health Television

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Driving Health

It's this disease that only white girls catch from glamour magazines.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Health