Subject: Health (Page 8)

My dad’s third heart attack, he’d gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because, ‘They won’t let me smoke in the ambulance!' and ‘You can’t make a burger run.'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Health

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

(1940 – ) American basketball coach
Doctors Health Life

My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

(1918 – 2007) American entertainer, actor & television host
Doctors Health Money

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health

Germs attack people where they're weakest – which is why there are so many head colds.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Intelligence

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Doctors Health

I’d have to get better just to die.

Expressions Health

It's this disease that only white girls catch from glamour magazines.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Health

I just hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I am tired of walking 5Ks.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities Health

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

There would never be any public agreement among doctors if they did not agree to agree on the main point of the doctor being always on the right.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Doctors Health Occupations Work

Hospitals Resort To Hiring Doctors

Doctors Headlines

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Definitions Health Places

A hospital is no place to be sick.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health Places

You know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work… medicine.

(1975 – ) Australian comedian, actor, writer, musician & director
Health

Doctor: A man who suffers from good health.

Definitions Doctors

Doctors told me that if my uncle had lived, he most likely would have been a vegetarian.

Health Malaprops

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Health Sex

You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault.

Health Murphy’s Laws

I suffer from a deviant septum.

Health Malaprops