Subject: Health (Page 9)

Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

Health Murphy’s Laws

1. All the IVs are at the other end of the hall.

2. There are two kinds of adhesive tape: the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come off.

Health Murphy’s Laws

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Doctors Fools Intelligence

I got a postcard from my gynecologist; It said, “Did you know it’s time for your annual check-up?” … no, but now my mailman does.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor
Doctors Health

Go to the gyropractor and get fixed?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Food/Drink Health

I really don't like living there; I have to for health reasons; I'm very paranoid, and New York's the only place where my fears are justified.

American comedian
Health New York City Places

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

Definitions Doctors Health

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Doctors Health

A hospital is no place to be sick.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health Places

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Health Old Places

Health is the thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of the year.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Health Time

Probably the best thing that happened to me was going nuts. Nobody knew who I was until that happened.

(1929 – ) American baseball player who had a well-publicized bipolar disorder
Baseball Health Sports

People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant; I came down with hepatitis… the trainer injected me with it.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Activities Baseball Health Sports

I went to medical school here at Columbia; I got my M.D.; and was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up – and not just because of the lawsuits.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician
Doctors Education Health Law School

Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.

Definitions Doctors Health

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

(1931 – 1995) American baseball player
Age Health Old

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors Health

What do you mean, heart attack? … You’ve got to have a heart before you can have an attack.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Health Insults