Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: Who never rises for the bride and groom?
Paul Lynde: Ironside.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body?
George Gobel: You can’t scare me!

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In baseball, there’s a special name for the area between a player’s knees and his armpits.
Paul Lynde: Aren’t you glad? Aren’t you glad?! AREN’T YOU GLAD… he used Dial?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: This classic 1958 science fiction film is about a huge mass from outer space that stalks the earth and devours everything in its path. What’s the name of this film?
Gilbert Gottfried: The Marlon Brando Story.

Gilbert Gottfried

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Why do people refer to ships as “she?”
Charlie Weaver: Because both have round bottoms.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: At the end of the movie The Planet of the Apes, what does Charlton Heston see that makes him realize that he is actually in New York City?
Paul Lynde: A Puerto Rican.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Paul Lynde: As long as that’s as far as it goes.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that after 30 years, they’re going to do something together one more time. What?
Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn’t have the right part?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?
Paul Lynde: Suicidal.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Paul Lynde: Conversation.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: President Johnson had a personal butler in the White House; so did presidents Kennedy and Nixon. Does President Ford also have a butler?
Paul Lynde: Yes, he doubles as the Secretary Of Agriculture.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?
Charlie Weaver: How many men are on the table?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What’s that thing to the east of Sweden?
Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: There's tennis elbow, there's jogger's knee, and there's swimmer's… swimmer's what?
Paul Lynde: All I can think of is trunks!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor