Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: True or false… most people’s attitudes toward strangers is, “Don’t get too close to me, I prefer to keep you at arm’s length!” [loud horn sounds to signify end the show]
Rose Marie: That’s my opinion!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can’t have kids?
Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Are there any nudist camps in Italy?
Paul Lynde: No, the flies would eat you alive.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What did Anita Bryant do for her talent competition in the Miss America contest?
George Gobel: Punch the hairdresser.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do most American families have at least one pet?
George Gobel: Yes, and it usually happens during the Johnny Carson show.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body?
George Gobel: You can’t scare me!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there is one thing that remains firm forever. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The U.S. will soon reportedly share a secret with Japan. What is it?
Paul Lynde: The location of the Pacific Fleet.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word “Gobbledygook?”
George Gobel: That’s the stuff that crusts over in turkeys’ eyes when they’re asleep.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charles, how many balls would you expect to find on a billiard table?
Charley Weaver: How many guys are playing?

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: As we grow older, do we use more profanity or less?
Jonathan Winters (as Maudie Frickett): Well, I don’t know, I was pretty foul when I was younger, but that was up in the attic.

Jonathan Winters

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Father Lester's column, is there ever, EVER a time when it is permissible to punch somebody in the mouth?
George Gobel: Well, yeah. Like if he backs into the church's new Chevy wagon.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme “Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn’t keep her”. Where did he finally put her?
Steve Rossi: I think in a sanitarium.

Steve Rossi

(1928 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Does the Secret Service have any women?
George Gobel: Of course, who do you think performs the secret service?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: President Johnson had a personal butler in the White House; so did presidents Kennedy and Nixon. Does President Ford also have a butler?
Paul Lynde: Yes, he doubles as the Secretary Of Agriculture.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor