Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is that small cute thing on Cher, just below her waist?
Burt Reynolds: Sonny Bono.

Burt Reynolds

(1936 – 2018) American actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, who was famous for saying, “On King, on huskies?”
Paul Lynde: Queen Mary.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… drinking alcohol reduces the amount of male hormones in your body?
George Gobel: You can’t scare me!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Which is higher, a vice admiral or a rear admiral?
Charley Weaver: That depends on who drinks the most.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now?
Paul Lynde: One.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: What did Noah finally do at the age of 952?
Joan Rivers: Paid for his daughter’s wedding.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: According to weather statistics, where is the wettest spot on Earth?
George Gobel: The parking lot at Busch Gardens.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Modern science can’t really explain why, but if you go outside at night, stand on your head, and stare at the full moon, you will notice something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: Yes, in eight seconds, rain will fill up your nose.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You are married in India. How did you probably meet your spouse?
Paul Lynde: We were fighting over a lima bean.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… having a good memory is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
Karen Valentine: What was the question?

Karen Valentine

(1947 – ) American actress

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is “Do Your Best?”
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… Paul, Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.
Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Black singer Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk.]

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Robert Young recently stated, “I never, never give…” something to his fans who ask for it. What?
Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can breathing in and out of a paper bag help stop anything?
George Gobel: If it’s filled with wine it can stop me from shaking.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?
Paul Lynde: It’s a pity that she couldn’t make it in show business.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?”
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: One Frenchman in seven makes his living making something. Making what?
George Gobel: Making love to the lady tourists.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from?
Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero’s comb.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The average child in China learns how to do it at age three. The average child in America never learns. What?
Paul Lynde: How to pull a rickshaw.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor