Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: According to Apartment Life magazine, can you tell anything significant about the personality of a person whose apartment has brown carpeting, brown furniture and brown walls?
Paul Lynde: Yes, their maid just exploded.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is “Do Your Best?”
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the most popular place in America that people want to visit?
George Gobel: It’s right down the hall, to the right and has a sign on the door.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Redd Foxx

(1922 – 1991) American comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it “our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world.” What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: How many movies has Vincent Price been in?
Paul Lynde: You mean, how many good movies?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher says that he hasn’t had one in eight years, but he’s looking. For what?
Paul Lynde: Oh, an accompanist who takes MasterCard.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won’t go up to your your apartment.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Arthur Hailey had a very successful movie and novel called Hotel. He has a new best seller about another stopover point. What is it called?
Charlie Weaver: Service Station.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What new motion picture has an ad campaign that states “He’s a lonely forgotten man desperate to prove that he’s alive?”
Marty Allen: Nixon Goes To China.

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What do most dentists say you should do with your dentures when you go to bed?
Charlie Weaver: Out at the home, we throw them into the center of the room and have a swap party.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With …” Cooking with what?
Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
Charley Weaver: Not drinking.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men’s zippers?
Paul Lynde: Rust.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: U.S. News and World Report says Governor Reagan has recently been deluged with a tremendous amount of requests that he do one particular thing. What is it?
Suzanne Pleshette: Retire.

Suzanne Pleshette

(1937 – 2008) American actress

Peter Marshall: You’re a shy, bashful girl. According to Cosmo, will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
Rose Marie: Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian