Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter: Do baby elephants nurse?
Paul Lynde: That’s why you should never go topless on an African beach.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do most American families have at least one pet?
George Gobel: Yes, and it usually happens during the Johnny Carson show.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charlie Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word “Gobbledygook?”
George Gobel: That’s the stuff that crusts over in turkeys’ eyes when they’re asleep.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you were asleep?
Paul Lynde: I don’t know, but I got an enchanted hickie.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… the dining room of the House of Representatives in Congress serves 10-12 gallons of beans every day?
George Gobel: And they go pass… (laughter) legislation!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’re in an airplane and you’ve developed engine trouble. What do you traditionally say over the radio?
Buddy Hackett: What the (bleep) am I doing here?

Buddy Hackett

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You're on a yacht, and you're seasick. According to Emily Post, should you tell your host?
Paul Lynde: No, let him find out for himself.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Bert Parks: Is it true or false… that chickens who live near airports, lay more eggs, than chickens who live near railroads tracks?
Wally Cox (after audience laughter): I don’t see anything to laugh about! (more laughter) I think it’s very obvious… Chicks who live near airports are more nervous than chicks who live near tracks.

Wally Cox

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the Bible, they never get old, and not one of them has been known to get sick. Who are they?
Charo: The Osmonds

Charo

(1951 – ) Spanish-American actress, comedian & flamenco guitarist

Peter Marshall: According to a recent survey by Futurist magazine, what was named as the most boring job on Earth?
Vincent Price: Rose Marie’s social secretary.

Vincent Price

(1911 – 1993) American actor

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, how long is the average honeymoon?
George Gobel: Forty-seven minutes.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don’t know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Are there any nudist camps in Italy?
Paul Lynde: No, the flies would eat you alive.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor