Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false – rumors circulate in business offices more than any place else.
Charley Weaver: That’s false, Peter, and we’re certainly going to miss you around here!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?
Charlie Weaver: How many men are on the table?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, “Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!” What does “Stolat” mean?
Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, what landed “I know not where?”
Paul Lynde: Amelia Earhart.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men’s zippers?
Paul Lynde: Rust.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?
Paul Lynde: Suicidal.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer… what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Tommy Smothers and President George Washington share a common outstanding physical trait that's very noticeable and unique. What is it?
Charley Weaver: They both have wooden teeth.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: You’ve got a secret. According to psychologists, if you’re average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman?
Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Should you train your very young children on the piano?
Charley Weaver: No, try newspapers.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Robert Young recently stated, “I never, never give…” something to his fans who ask for it. What?
Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Every night before he went to bed, George Washington would always put his false teeth into something. What?
Charley Weaver: Martha!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: We’ve all heard the old phrase “A pig in a poke.” What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It’s when you’re not really in love.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after… what?
Paul Lynde: Surgery.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there is one thing that remains firm forever. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: U.S. News and World Report says Governor Reagan has recently been deluged with a tremendous amount of requests that he do one particular thing. What is it?
Suzanne Pleshette: Retire.

Suzanne Pleshette

(1937 – 2008) American actress

Peter Marshall: According to an executive report of the Dallas Morning News, is a person ever too old to get his teeth straightened?
Charley Weaver: Well now, that would be my second choice.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian