Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charlie Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Years ago, American Indians tied small pine trees to their feet, and thereby invented what?
George Gobel: Shoe trees.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: It’s well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Which performing team were the stars of Ed Sullivan’s first TV show?
Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can traffic noises affect your sexual prowess?
Jim Backus: Yes, so you should pull over and park.

Jim Backus

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I’d call him “Darling”!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged?
George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to an executive report of the Dallas Morning News, is a person ever too old to get his teeth straightened?
Charley Weaver: Well now, that would be my second choice.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Which is higher, a vice admiral or a rear admiral?
Charley Weaver: That depends on who drinks the most.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… a newborn rabbit can become a grandfather in less than a year.
Wally Cox: Let’s show ‘em!

Wally Cox

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do most American families have at least one pet?
George Gobel: Yes, and it usually happens during the Johnny Carson show.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education, and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than anybody else. What ailment?
Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psorriasis.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Something happened to Marlon Brando in 1955, and afterward he told friends he thought it would happen to Bing Crosby instead. What happened?
Paul Lynde: Oh, one of Bing's sons asked him for money.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Are there any nudist camps in Italy?
Paul Lynde: No, the flies would eat you alive.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: Let’s not wallow in Watergate.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false – as you get older, your skin becomes more transparent.
Charley Weaver: Out at the home in the x-ray room, they just hold us up to a light bulb.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now?
Paul Lynde: One.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor