Quotes and One Liners

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, the Rio Grande River separates Texas and Mexico. What does “Rio Grande” mean in Spanish?
Paul Lynde: El Washing Machine.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Shakespeare, what acquaints a man with strange bedfellows?
George Gobel: The tall dude in the purple hat.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’ve got a secret. According to psychologists, if you’re average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman?
Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills.
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: What’s the worst thing to have around the house?
Rose Marie: Vacuum cleaners!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, “Things aren’t always as bad as they seem if you…” Do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to police, if you are being molested, other than yelling, “Help!,” what is the best thing to scream?
Rose Marie: More!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… in Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce?
Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now?
Paul Lynde: One.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White… was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the movie Camelot, Sir Lancelot is called on to perform a miracle. What is the miracle?
Charley Weaver: The miracle is to make the movie a hit.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help?
George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… George Jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It’s his girlfriend

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Since the first woman entered this institution, 84 women have followed her. What institution is that?
Whoopi Goldberg: Marriage to Larry King.

Whoopi Goldberg

(1955 – ) American comedian, actress, political activist & talk show host

Peter Marshall: True or false… having a good memory is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
Karen Valentine: What was the question?

Karen Valentine

(1947 – ) American actress

Peter Marshall: Would you be surprised to find some wood in your hot dog?
Paul Lynde: No, but I’d be surprised to find some meat.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
Paul Lynde: No, but he’s a terrific end table.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Richard Burton wants one very much, but Liz is reported to be afraid to give him one. One what?
Paul Lynde: The Certs breath test.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to legend, what one thing was Noah’s wife not willing to do?
George Gobel: Sunbathe amongst the anteaters.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor