Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with?
Paul Lynde: Tony Randall.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?
Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to The Cosmo Girl’s Book Of Ettiquette, what does Helen Gurley Brown say you should put in your bra to attract men?
George Gobel: A copy of Sports Illustrated.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is there anything an elephant loves more than a big bag of peanuts?
Paul Lynde: The love scenes in Dumbo.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
George Gobel: Hamburger

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Parade Magazine, almost half of the dogs in the United states have a common problem, and it affects a lot of people too. What?
Paul Lynde: Water on the knee.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts at Seventeen magazine, what is the major cause of crows feet?
George Gobel: God made them so crows could dance.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can traffic noises affect your sexual prowess?
Jim Backus: Yes, so you should pull over and park.

Jim Backus

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor

Peter Marshall: The great Sphinx has a human’s head, but whose body?
Rose Marie: Milton Berle's.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… if you have difficulty hitting the sack, a good idea is to talk yourself to sleep?
Rose Marie: Or Tom Snyder could do the same thing.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is that small cute thing on Cher, just below her waist?
Burt Reynolds: Sonny Bono.

Burt Reynolds

(1936 – 2018) American actor

Peter Marshall: According to animal experts, what usually gets an ostrich to bury its head in the sand?
David Brenner: A falling piano.

David Brenner

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author

Peter Marshall: What are “Do It”, “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”?
George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher says that he hasn’t had one in eight years, but he’s looking. For what?
Paul Lynde: Oh, an accompanist who takes MasterCard.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor