Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Shakespeare wrote 154 of them. What are they?
Charley Weaver: Checks to Rose Marie for services rendered.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false… studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties…
Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Bruce, you’re the most popular fruit in America. What are you?
Bruce Vilanch: Humbled.

Bruce Vilanch

(1948 – ) American comedy writer, songwriter & actor

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Flip Wilson has said that he’s eaten about 2,000 of them and enjoyed them immensely. To what was he referring?
Paul Lynde: Missionaries

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Tom Bergeron: The term SWAT originated in the Los Angeles Police Department. What does SWAT stand for?
Whoopi Goldberg: Some Whoop-Ass Tonight!

Whoopi Goldberg

(1955 – ) American comedian, actress, political activist & talk show host

Peter Marshall: True or false… the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Martha Stewart once said that there’s nothing more delicious than one of these. What?
Bruce Vilanch: A good spanking!

Bruce Vilanch

(1948 – ) American comedy writer, songwriter & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Teddy Roosevelt maintained that he had something removed from two United States coins purely for the sake of art. What?
Paul Lynde: The bottom half of the buffalo.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… the biggest problem couples face in marriage is having sex.
Rose Marie: No, that’s the second biggest problem. The biggest problem is no sex.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?
Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the movie Camelot, Sir Lancelot is called on to perform a miracle. What is the miracle?
Charley Weaver: The miracle is to make the movie a hit.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, where at any one time will you find one quarter of the earth's population?
Paul Lynde: Crossing the Rio Grande. (He pronounced it "Gran-dee," with emphasis on the first syllable)

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Hollywood Squares Cox was the voice of "Underdog"

Peter Marshall: Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon character Underdog?
Wally Cox: Where are my residuals?

Wally Cox

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do we get heat from stars?
Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson’s ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?
Paul Lynde: Shaft!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian