Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: In the Arctic, the most fearsome animal is the polar bear. What is the only thing a polar bear is afraid of?
Paul Lynde: A lonely Eskimo!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?
Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn’t I?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Alexander Graham Bell of telephone fame, spent 30 years of his life trying to get a female sheep to do something. To do what?
Marty Allen: Return his phone call.

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false – as you get older, your skin becomes more transparent.
Charley Weaver: Out at the home in the x-ray room, they just hold us up to a light bulb.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to experts, is it ever a good idea to sleep with the window open?
Rose Marie: I won’t say what I sleep with!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… you can get a camel to be more cooperative by giving it tobacco and perfume.
Rose Marie: You can get an awful lot out of me that way!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

John Davidson: In folklore, what do you call the child of a fairy?
Joan Rivers: Adopted.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: According to the Reverend Billy Graham, what sin have you committed if you drink too much?
George Gobel: Gluttony. The neighbors say I ate their cat.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer… what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, “Every woman I’ve been intimate with in my life has been…” What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.” What did she give her children to eat?
Charley Weaver: She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What is that small cute thing on Cher, just below her waist?
Burt Reynolds: Sonny Bono.

Burt Reynolds

(1936 – 2018) American actor

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, “It wasn’t easy.” And hubby Richard Burton added, “But we both sleep much better.” They were both talking about the same thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… rubbing grapefruits on your body makes you sexy?
Marty Allen: Whose grapefruits?

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to an old song, you should “Wrap all your troubles in…” What?
George Gobel: Furs… and tell her to stop calling your house!

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The U.S. will soon reportedly share a secret with Japan. What is it?
Paul Lynde: The location of the Pacific Fleet.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?
Paul Lynde: If that doesn’t work, try Lee Majors!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor