Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When are you considered an old man in Japan?
George Gobel: When you have to get your doctor’s permission to bow.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charles, how many balls would you expect to find on a billiard table?
Charley Weaver: How many guys are playing?

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that after 30 years, they’re going to do something together one more time. What?
Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Spiro Agnew was in the infantry during World War Two. Was he decorated?
Wally Cox: He looked really pretty in the puka shells but they made him take them off…

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don’t know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You are standing among the oldest living things on Earth. Where are you?
Totie Fields: Miami Beach.

Totie Fields

(1930 – 1978) American comedian

Peter Marshall: Can you catch a cold from your dog?
Wally Cox: Not anymore. I don’t have my dog.

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Lawrence Welk says that as a teenager, he promised his father he would work hard on their farm for four years, his Daddy would loan him the money to buy something few boys ever get. What?
Paul Lynde: A champagne lady.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?
Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Where would you be most likely to find climbing clematis?
Wally Cox: Right now, you’d be most likely to find him in jail.

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast?
Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… there is absolutely no weather on the moon?
Wally Cox: Well, there will be when we get there!

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encyclopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… there is a magazine called The Corsets & Underwear Revue?
George Gobel: I was reading that before Playboy came out.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Oscar, you’ve made a man very happy…
Oscar the Grouch: I’m sorry to hear that.

Oscar the Grouch

Muppet