Quotes and One Liners

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What should you do if your parakeet has a temperature of 112 degrees?
Paul Lynde: Baste him!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Something happened to Marlon Brando in 1955, and afterward he told friends he thought it would happen to Bing Crosby instead. What happened?
Paul Lynde: Oh, one of Bing's sons asked him for money.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called “Number 96” offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What?
Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Don, True or false… there’s now a club in California that will allow you to sign up for obscene phone calls.
Rose Marie: Peter, get us that number!
Don Knotts: Well…you found us out!

Don Knotts

(1924 – 2006) American comedic actor

Peter Marshall: Can breathing in and out of a paper bag help stop anything?
George Gobel: If it’s filled with wine it can stop me from shaking.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever did.” What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to flag ettiquette, how does a woman show her respect for the American flag?
George Gobel: She picks up a sailor.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you…” Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's?
Paul Lynde: Look who's talking, Beaverface!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In The Wizard Of Oz, the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, during a visit to the Moscow State Circus, Pat Nixon shook hands with something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: The bearded lady, Mrs. Kosygin.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Are there any nudist camps in Italy?
Paul Lynde: No, the flies would eat you alive.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Good Housekeeping Magazine, Lucille Ball was 40 years old before she had her first what?
Paul Lynde: Red hair.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word “Gobbledygook?”
George Gobel: That’s the stuff that crusts over in turkeys’ eyes when they’re asleep.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Ellen, true or false… the state of Virginia was named after a reputed virgin.
Ellen Degeneres: Well, if that is true, what does that say about Idaho?

Ellen DeGeneres

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, “Things aren’t always as bad as they seem if you…” Do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn’t true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor