Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can traffic noises affect your sexual prowess?
Jim Backus: Yes, so you should pull over and park.

Jim Backus

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Tom Bergeron: How does a comet get its tail?
Peter Marshall [as a contestant]: Oh, the same as everyone else I guess, a little cognac, a Barry White CD…

Peter Marshall

(1926 – ) American television personality & game show host

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, “Things aren’t always as bad as they seem if you…” Do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, “Dinah (Shore)’s in top form. I’ve never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a…” A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there’s an intruder on your property?
Paul Lynde: There’s no better way!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for you to make a dog laugh?
Charley Weaver: Well, I tried to housebreak a dog once and he just laughed and laughed.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What do most dentists say you should do with your dentures when you go to bed?
Charlie Weaver: Out at the home, we throw them into the center of the room and have a swap party.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the Bible, they never get old, and not one of them has been known to get sick. Who are they?
Charo: The Osmonds

Charo

(1951 – ) Spanish-American actress, comedian & flamenco guitarist

Peter Marshall: According to The Book of Fairies, who is that creature who stands 14 inches tall, is 400 years old, and is dressed all in Lincoln green?
Paul Lynde: The Emperor Hirohito.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: You have “frigaphobia.” What are you afraid of?
Whoopi Goldberg: Every friggin’ thing!

Whoopi Goldberg

(1955 – ) American comedian, actress, political activist & talk show host

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does that mean?
George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills.
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, can you get anything you’ve always wanted in Heaven, if you didn’t get it on Earth?
Charley Weaver: Yes, but there’s an extra charge for the whitewalls.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Modern science can’t really explain why, but if you go outside at night, stand on your head, and stare at the full moon, you will notice something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: Yes, in eight seconds, rain will fill up your nose.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: To the people of Italy, what is “the poe?”
Paul Lynde: The opposite of “the rich.”

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor