Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently told reporters “You don’t know what a relief it is not to worry about having them around all the time!.” What are “they?”
Paul Lynde: Mom and Dad.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can’t have kids?
Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged?
George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to flag ettiquette, how does a woman show her respect for the American flag?
George Gobel: She picks up a sailor.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Lana Turner recently said, “I won’t do it because I haven’t stopped living my life by a long shot.” What won’t she do?
Paul Lynde: The Merv Griffin show.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is it okay to freeze mushrooms?
Rose Marie: What else do I have to do, Pete?

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: What are “Do It”, “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”?
George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false, Dan Rowan hasn’t spoken to either his daughter or Peter Lawford since their marriage?
Paul Lynde: I don’t think anyone has seen them except for room service.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your date’s had a great shock, now she’s fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Paul Lynde: Well, it’s easy to steer.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Dear Abby says it's the single reason most people go to an X-rated movie. What is it?
George Gobel: Well, in the first place, they can't believe their eyes the first 20 or 30 times.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was… where the astronauts go to the bathroom?!
Paul Lynde: The answer was over China!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?
Burt Reynolds: People think I’m not normal because I keep taking her temperature.

Burt Reynolds

(1936 – 2018) American actor

John Davidson: What state was originally divided into three sections?
Joan Rivers: Raymond Burr.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: Let’s not wallow in Watergate.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won’t go up to your your apartment.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn’t true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying, “They aren’t even sexy!” Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Ann Landers recently wrote a book titled “How To Tell The Difference Between Love And…” what?
Paul Lynde: A kidney infection.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville?
Paul Lynde: The Ty-De-Bowl Man.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor