Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: Would you be surprised to find some wood in your hot dog?
Paul Lynde: No, but I’d be surprised to find some meat.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What is the definition of the word “Gobbledygook?”
George Gobel: That’s the stuff that crusts over in turkeys’ eyes when they’re asleep.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it “our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world.” What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Why do people refer to ships as “she?”
Charlie Weaver: Because both have round bottoms.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

John Davidson: A Russian man has just shown you his “balalaika.” What has he shown you?
Jim J. Bullock: Why he’s not so popular with the party girls.

Jim J. Bullock

(1955 – ) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… Paul Revere had 16 children?
Paul Lynde: From ONE midnight ride?!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can traffic noises affect your sexual prowess?
Jim Backus: Yes, so you should pull over and park.

Jim Backus

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor

Peter Marshall: When you go shopping, is there any difference between irregulars and seconds?
Charley Weaver: Out at the home, when I have seconds I get irregular.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… Paul…champagne glasses were designed to resemble Marie Antoinette’s bosom?
Paul Lynde: And we have Karen (Valentine) to thank for the shot glass!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Ellen, true or false… the state of Virginia was named after a reputed virgin.
Ellen Degeneres: Well, if that is true, what does that say about Idaho?

Ellen DeGeneres

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

Peter Marshall: From what animal do you get silk blouses?
Paul Lynde: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’re a shy, bashful girl. According to Cosmo, will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
Rose Marie: Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged?
George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your date’s had a great shock, now she’s fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Parade Magazine, almost half of the dogs in the United states have a common problem, and it affects a lot of people too. What?
Paul Lynde: Water on the knee.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, there is only one thing that can satisfy your deepest longings. What?
Rose Marie: You want names or just…?

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: In the literary world, who kept saying 'I think I can, I think I can?’
Charley Weaver: Well, out at the home, that was Mr. Ferguson. And Mrs. Ferguson kept saying “I wish he would! I wish he would!”

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian