Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Wally, a grapefruit is nothing like a grape. How did it get its name?
Wally Cox: Oh, you noticed that too, huh?

Wally Cox

(1924 – 1973) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation.
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He’s out of town.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… cow’s horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren’t chocolate chips?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If the Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman were to have a baby, would it be a bionic baby?
George Gobel: Yes, but it would require three doctors, a ground crew and a disposable net.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… Paul, Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.
Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Black singer Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk.]

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Paul Lynde: Joan Crawford’s eyebrows.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With …” Cooking with what?
Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’re eating chicken, and you notice the bones are very dark. What does that tell you about the chicken?
David Steinberg: At one time, the chicken had rhythm…

David Steinberg

(1942 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, writer, director & author

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?
Paul Lynde: Suicidal.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, Broderick Crawford says that he is often mistaken for….
Paul Lynde: A dump truck.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to an article in the Dayton Daily News, it’s the most universal reaction in men after they’ve gotten their divorce. What is it?
George Gobel: Relief.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast?
Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is there anything an elephant loves more than a big bag of peanuts?
Paul Lynde: The love scenes in Dumbo.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Years ago, American Indians tied small pine trees to their feet, and thereby invented what?
George Gobel: Shoe trees.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… Guatemala once declared war on Germany.
Paul Lynde: Yes, and it's a good thing Germany never found out!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to legend, what one thing was Noah’s wife not willing to do?
George Gobel: Sunbathe amongst the anteaters.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Shakespeare wrote 154 of them. What are they?
Charley Weaver: Checks to Rose Marie for services rendered.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian