Quotes and One Liners

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Years ago, American Indians tied small pine trees to their feet, and thereby invented what?
George Gobel: Shoe trees.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to experts, is it ever a good idea to sleep with the window open?
Rose Marie: I won’t say what I sleep with!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: What is the plural of “titmouse?”
McLean Stevenson: Ooh-kay, got your mouse, got your meece and got your mice. It’s titsmouse… (laughter) titsmice… uh, (more laughter) titmice!

McLean Stevenson

(1927 – 1996) American actor

Peter Marshall: According to The People’s Almanac, what do they call it when one person is engaged in kissing, fondling, and caressing with another person?
George Gobel: In show business, we call it an interview.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What was Rudyard Kipling describing when he wrote about a “rag-a-bone” and a “hank-a-hair?”
George Gobel: His unsuccessful attempt to shoot his wife out of a cannon.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your date’s had a great shock, now she’s fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: Let’s not wallow in Watergate.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to six weeks maternity leave?
Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, where at any one time will you find one quarter of the earth's population?
Paul Lynde: Crossing the Rio Grande. (He pronounced it "Gran-dee," with emphasis on the first syllable)

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife’s tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can traffic noises affect your sexual prowess?
Jim Backus: Yes, so you should pull over and park.

Jim Backus

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor

Peter Marshall: What do you call a cow that won’t give milk?
George Gobel: Hamburger

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to an old song, you should “Wrap all your troubles in…” What?
George Gobel: Furs… and tell her to stop calling your house!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… pickles and martinis don’t taste as good to people with dentures?
George Gobel: Well, you can get along without dentures.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charlie Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Charley Weaver

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When Burt Reynolds saw his pictures in Cosmopolitan, he said he had something that reminded him of Roy Rogers. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Saddle sores… they both spend so much time in the saddle!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What do you call a bull that can’t have kids?
Paul Lynde: Anthony Quinn.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What did Anita Bryant do for her talent competition in the Miss America contest?
George Gobel: Punch the hairdresser.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor