Subject: Marriage » Divorce

It's better to have loved and lost, then have to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.

comedian

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress

Divorce: A splitting headache.

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

My wife made me a millionaire. Before she divorced me, I had three million.

professional hockey player

Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator

The first one’s the hardest, then you know the routine.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress

I used to have a speech impediment, but we got divorced.

(1926 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Lockhorns)

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.

(1924 – 2014) American actress & model

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

A TV host asked my wife, “Have you ever considered divorce?” She replied: ‘Divorce never, murder, often.’

(1923 – 2008) American actor & political activist

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

She should get a divorce and settle down.

(1918 – 2004) radio and television comedian & talk show host

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce… because that’s what a soul weighs.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.