Subject: Marriage » Divorce (Page 3)

My wife made me a millionaire. Before she divorced me, I had three million.

professional hockey player

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

A TV host asked my wife, “Have you ever considered divorce?” She replied: ‘Divorce never, murder, often.’

(1923 – 2008) American actor & political activist

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

(1882 – 1942) American actor

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce; we decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.

(1864 – 1943) English writer

She should get a divorce and settle down.

(1918 – 2004) radio and television comedian & talk show host

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me… no one showed up.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Always get married early in the morning; that way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

(1920 – 2014) American actor & entertainer

My parents got divorced after 40 years… that's the longest game of chicken ever.

American comedian