Subject: Marriage » Husbands (Page 5)

I understand that many newlyweds are vacationing here (Niagara Falls)… I suppose seeing the falls was their second biggest disappointment.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Husbands Marriage Wives

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Autos Husbands Marriage Wives

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
America Characteristics England Husbands Women

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Conflict Housework Husbands Marriage Proverbs

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Husbands Marriage People

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do… but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Husbands Marriage Wives

These days the meaning of a faithful husband is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Husbands Marriage

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host
Death Husbands Marriage Wives

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

(1954 – ) Indian Professor of Journalism
Husbands Marriage Wives

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Husbands Marriage Wives

You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… husband!

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Husbands Marriage

I never married because there was no need: I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband – I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

(1855 – 1924) English writer
Animals Cats Husbands Marriage

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage Time Truth Wives

My husband could have had any women he pleased – he just couldn't please any!

Husbands Marriage Women

When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

Marian Jordan (1898 – 1961) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)
Husbands Marriage Wives

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Husbands Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Husbands Marriage Time

The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.

Appearance Cooking Food/Drink Husbands Marriage Murphy’s Laws

Last week I planned my husband’s funeral; he hasn’t died yet, it’s just what I do when he annoys me.

comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage