Subject: Marriage (Page 14)

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Marriage Speech Wives

Take my wife… please!

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Wives Wordplay

If you go to any book store and look at any book on marriage, you'll see at least one photo of me about to put an ice tray with only one ice cube left in it back into the refrigerator.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage

I support gay marriage because I believe they have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.

(1944 – ) American singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician & columnist
Marriage

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Alcohol Marriage Men

My wife has cut me down to once a month; I'm lucky…
I know two guys she cut off completely.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Have you heard about the woman who stabbed her husband thirty-seven times? … I admire her restraint.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Conflict Marriage Wives

Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else.

golf journalist
Golf Marriage Sports

Seems like only a year ago they were married nine years!

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Marriage Time

Divorce: Going through a change of wife.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Divorce Marriage Time Wives

They weren't really weddings, just long costume parties.

(1920 – 2002) American singer
Marriage

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband; how about short and cheap?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Beliefs Husbands Opinion

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Marriage Wives

Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself.

Definitions Marriage

Marriage is like a train that makes intermittent stops at children, new house, new job, new car and cruises, just to keep the trip interesting.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Divorce Marriage

I'm single because I was born that way.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government Marriage Politics

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Husbands Marriage