Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 16)
I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
(1947 – ) Austrian-American bodybuilder, actor & politician
Marriage
Gay marriage
I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.
Ty Barnett
(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Age
Children
Family
Marriage
Places
Chicago
Child support
Marriage always demands the finest arts of insincerity possible between two human beings."
Vicki Baum
(1888 – 1960) Austrian writer
Characteristics
Marriage
Insincerity
Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”
Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny.
Max Kaufman
typographer
Definitions
Marriage
Alimony
My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking
Food/Drink
Health
Wives
Cooking
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.
Bill Dwyer
(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host
Death
Husbands
Marriage
Wives
Life insurance
A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.
Jarod Kintz
(1982 – ) American author
Marriage
Wives
Catholics don't get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.
Lenny Clarke
(1953 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
Religion
Catholicism
Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police.
Robert Louis Stevenson
(1850 – 1894) Scottish novelist, poet, essayist & travel writer
Definitions
Marriage
Friendship
Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Matrimony
A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Death
Marriage
People
Rednecks
All of the troubles that some people have in life is that which they married into.
Edgar Watson Howe
(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Marriage
Problems
Trouble
The first part of our marriage was very happy… but then, on the way back from the ceremony…
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage
When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee
Marian Jordan (1898 – 1961) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)
Husbands
Marriage
Wives
The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.
Proverb
Marriage
Proverbs
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Anonymous
Emotions
Love
Marriage
Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage
People
Women
The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Husbands
Marriage
Wives
Deception
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Marriage
People
Self
Politicians are wedded to the truth, but like many other married couples they sometimes live apart.
‘Saki’ H.H. Munro
(1870 – 1916) British writer
Characteristics
Government
Honesty
Marriage
Politicians
Truth
Page 16 of 36
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