Subject: Marriage (Page 18)

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Marriage

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Clothing Sex Wives

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

Expressions Marriage

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Marriage People

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

Definitions Marriage

Women who drink white wine either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate, or redecorate your house; either way, it's expensive.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Marriage Money People Women

I was married twice; my first wife died and my second one wouldn't.

(1955 – ) American comedian
Death Marriage

After you say you do… you don’t… for a long time.

(1964 – ) Colombian-American actor, producer, playwright & screenwriter
Marriage Sex

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Marriage

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is enjoy earning it.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Husbands Marriage Money Wives

Bigamist: A man who makes the same mistake twice.

Definitions Marriage

I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.

(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Age Children Family Marriage Places

Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

(1958 – ) American actor & producer
Age Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Horse sense is what prevents a woman from becoming a nag.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Intelligence Marriage Wives

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Girls Marriage Men People Women

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Husbands Marriage

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.

Marriage Proverbs

Marriage: The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch.

Definitions Marriage

Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

(1942 – 1999) American actress
Beliefs Marriage Sex

I am a marvelous housekeeper; every time I leave a man I keep his house.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Divorce Housework Marriage

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Marriage