Subject: Marriage (Page 19)

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Housework Marriage Sex

Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

Definitions Marriage Men People

I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.

(1925 – 2010) American film actor
Age Marriage Wives

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Money Speech

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

(1907 – 2003) American actress of film, stage & television
Communication Marriage

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Divorce Marriage Money

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages; you get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Marriage Sex Wordplay

The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Husbands Marriage Wives

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Eating Food/Drink Husbands Marriage Wives

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Marriage Situations Sleep

Marriage: The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch.

Definitions Marriage

My wife donates money to the homeless and I donate money to the topless.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money Wives

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend; a successful woman is one who can find such a man.

(1921 – 1995) American actress
Husbands Marriage Wives

Bigamist: A man who makes the same mistake twice.

Definitions Marriage

After seven years of marriage, I am sure of two things: first, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms – both for her.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Marriage

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health Love Marriage Wives

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Husbands Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with the first one.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

We were happily married for eight months… unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.


Marriage

Most women use more brains picking a horse in the third at Belmont than they do picking a husband.

(1924 – 2014) American actress & model
Husbands Marriage TV/Movie Quotes