Subject: Marriage (Page 19)

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.'

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.

(1749 – 1832) German writer & statesman
Emotions Love Marriage

You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer
Golf Money Sports Wives

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Divorce Religion

If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor
Marriage Money Work

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor
Marriage Wives

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

Husbands Marriage

Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Marriage

All women marry beneath them.

Marriage Murphy’s Laws Women

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Conflict Marriage

I'm 34 years old; I thought I'd be divorced by now.

American comedian
Age Divorce Marriage

Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist
Marriage Sex

The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.

Appearance Cooking Food/Drink Husbands Marriage Murphy’s Laws

Al: Anything for dinner, Peg?

Peg: Get a wife!

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Well I don’t see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many men happy.


Emotions Happiness Marriage Men People Sex

Married or Single? … there is no good choice; it’s like when your doctor says, ‘Ointment?' or ‘Suppositories’?

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they' ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men

I am a marvelous housekeeper; every time I leave a man I keep his house.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Divorce Housework Marriage