Subject: Marriage (Page 21)

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Engagement: A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Holy deadlock.

(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright

‘Tis my maxim he’s a fool that marries, but he’s a greater that does not marry a fool.

(c. 1641 – 1716) English dramatist

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor

Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host

I support gay marriage because I believe they have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.

(1944 – ) American singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician & columnist

Vanessa: You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it! I want a divorce.

Melon: Divorce. I knew we had something in common.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping… you get another wife.

writer, website creator

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

My mother married a very good man… and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t; the trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.

(1893 – 1957) American actress & celebrity