Subject: Marriage (Page 21)

My husband said he needed more space… so I locked him outside.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Husbands Marriage

My boyfriend and I broke up; he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Relationships

I’ve never won an argument with her; and the only times I thought I had, I found out the argument wasn’t over yet.

(1924 – ) 39th U.S. president & humanitarian
Wives

[My husband] and I are always fighting; when we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Conflict Marriage Problems

I don’t want to have sex; you’re my wife, for God’s sake!

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Marriage is a wonderful invention; then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Marriage

God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

(1860 – 1943) British socialist, union leader & politician
Marriage Wives

Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage Sex TV/Movie Quotes

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host
Death Husbands Marriage Wives

How many husbands have I had?… do you mean apart from my own?

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Husbands Marriage Sex

Marriage is like a train that makes intermittent stops at children, new house, new job, new car and cruises, just to keep the trip interesting.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Marriage

Most women use more brains picking a horse in the third at Belmont than they do picking a husband.

(1924 – 2014) American actress & model
Husbands Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Situations

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home… there's always something.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Marriage People

You might be a redneck if… the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Marriage People Rednecks Wives

Last week I planned my husband’s funeral; he hasn’t died yet, it’s just what I do when he annoys me.

comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage

You know the honeymoon's over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Marriage

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.

Definitions Marriage Men People

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.

Definitions Marriage

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Divorce Marriage