Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Sunday, February 23, 2025
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 21)
Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Appearance
Marriage
Eyesight
Engagement: A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Engagement
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage
Wives
Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Alimony
Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics
Husbands
Marriage
Good
Proficiency
Holy deadlock.
A.P. Herbert
(1890 – 1971) English humorist, novelist & playwright
Marriage
Wordplay
‘Tis my maxim he’s a fool that marries, but he’s a greater that does not marry a fool.
William Wycherley
(c. 1641 – 1716) English dramatist
Marriage
Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Evan Esar
(1899 – 1995) humorist
Emotions
Love
Marriage
Dimples
Barbara and I celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary yesterday… we are very happy, but I would be happier if she got a job!
Don Rickles
(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Insults
Marriage
Self
Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Husbands
Marriage
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce
Marriage
Separation
I support gay marriage because I believe they have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.
‘Kinky’ Friedman
(1944 – ) American singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician & columnist
Marriage
Gay marriage
Vanessa: You have
no
class, Thornton, and I am
tired
of it! I want a divorce.
Melon: Divorce. I
knew
we had something in common.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
TV/Movie Quotes
As Thornton Melon in “Back to School”
There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping… you get another wife.
Scott Roeben
writer, website creator
Marriage
Sex
Wives
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce
Marriage
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
Bob Monkhouse
(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Divorce
Marriage
Sex
Things
House
Infidelity
My mother married a very good man… and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.
George Bernard Shaw
(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Marriage
Homosexuals
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.
Robert Frost
(1874 – 1963) American poet
Cooking
Food/Drink
Marriage
Wives
At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t; the trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers
(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Marriage
Parties
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
Peggy Hopkins Joyce
(1893 – 1957) American actress & celebrity
Marriage
Mistakes
Money
Alimony
Page 21 of 36
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