Subject: Marriage (Page 24)

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Dance Marriage Wives

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician
Characteristics Fear Marriage Situations

My wife made me a millionaire. Before she divorced me, I had three million.

professional hockey player
Divorce Hockey Marriage Misspokements Sports

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Characteristics Marriage

Bigamy is having one wife too many; monogamy is the same.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Marriage Wives

The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for supper and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator.

Marriage

Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else.

golf journalist
Golf Marriage Sports

My mother married a very good man… and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Marriage

When you marry your mistress you create a job vacancy.

(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier
Marriage

My wife converted me to religion; I never believed in hell until I married her.

(1892 – 1992) American film & television producer & director
Beliefs Marriage Religion Wives

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Husbands Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

Bigamist: A man who makes the same mistake twice.

Definitions Marriage

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Marriage Sex

Marriage: A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred.

Definitions Marriage

And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages; you get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Marriage Sex Wordplay

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
People Wives

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.

typographer
Emotions Happiness Marriage

Husband: A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.

Definitions Marriage