Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Marriage
(Page 26)
My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.
Sally Poplin
Dating
Marriage
Relationships
Engagements
When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce
Marriage
Sex
Group sex
A woman I know is engaged to a real golf nut. They are supposed to get married next Saturday…but only if it rains.
Cindy Garner
Golf
Marriage
Sports
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Austen's First Law
Marriage
Men
Murphy’s Laws
People
Wives
Jane Austen
Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home… there's always something.
Will Cuppy
(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Marriage
People
Caesar
Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Divorce
Marriage
Alimony
Ransom
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Agreement
Compromise
I was gonna do that mail order bride thing, but you don't know, because if you ain't home and your neighbor signs for her, she's out there mowing his lawn.
Reno Collier
stand-up comedian
Marriage
Mail order bride
The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.
Wilson Mizner
(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands
Marriage
Situations
Sleep
Wives
It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life
Marriage
Annoyance
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Anonymous
Emotions
Happiness
Marriage
Wives
Jess: Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry: Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is fucking my wife.
Billy Crystal
(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Marriage
As Harry Burns in “When Harry Met Sally...”
Two mothers-in-law.
Charles Russell
(1832 – 1900) Irish statesman
Conflict
Crime
Marriage
Bigamy
On the maximum punishment for bigamy
I never mind my wife having the last word; in fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
Walter Matthau
(1920 – 2000) American actor
Communication
Marriage
Speech
Wives
Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Wives
Bigamist
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Husbands
Marriage
People
Women
Bachelors
The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.
Voltaire
(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Husbands
Marriage
Self
Wives
Surprises
Acrimony: The holy state of being married.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Anonymous
Definitions
Marriage
Wives
Bride
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
Marilyn Monroe
(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Husbands
Marriage
Wives
Infidelity
Lovers
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katharine Hepburn
(1907 – 2003) American actress of film, stage & television
Communication
Marriage
Admiration
Criticism
Page 26 of 36
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