Subject: Marriage (Page 26)

My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.


When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A woman I know is engaged to a real golf nut.  They are supposed to get married next Saturday…but only if it rains.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home… there's always something.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic

Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

I was gonna do that mail order bride thing, but you don't know, because if you ain't home and your neighbor signs for her, she's out there mowing his lawn.

stand-up comedian

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Jess: Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Harry: Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is fucking my wife.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director

Two mothers-in-law.

(1832 – 1900) Irish statesman

I never mind my wife having the last word; in fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.

(1920 – 2000) American actor

Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

Acrimony: The holy state of being married.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

(1907 – 2003) American actress of film, stage & television