Subject: Marriage (Page 31)

When I meet a beautiful girl, the first thing I say is 'will you marry me? … the second thing I say is, 'how do you do?”

(1894 – 1967) English heir, New York socialite (married 13 times)
Marriage People Women

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Marriage

My wife converted me to religion; I never believed in hell until I married her.

(1892 – 1992) American film & television producer & director
Beliefs Marriage Religion Wives

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Definitions Marriage Wives

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Marriage Sex

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, “Wow, that’s awesome. You’re going to make a great single mom.”

(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian
Children Family Marriage

Do you Edith….take Archie Bunker to be your lawfully bedded husband?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Marriage

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.

(1893 – 1957) American actress & celebrity
Marriage Mistakes Money

We have a good time together, even when we’re not together

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Marriage Yogi-isms

I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.

English police officer, writer, stand-up comedian & radio performer
Marriage Sex

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Communication Girlfriends Marriage Relationships Speech

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Emotions Love Marriage

My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement; we signed a mutual suicide pact.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Marriage

You know that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Marriage Sex

If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

(1924 – 2008) American actress
Communication Marriage Speech

Ah Mozart! He was happily married… but his wife wasn’t.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Marriage

Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

(1960 – ) English actor
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Conflict Housework Husbands Marriage Proverbs

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

(1894 – 1967) English heir, New York socialite (married 13 times)
Divorce Marriage

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Marriage Situations Sleep