Subject: Marriage (Page 33)

If you go to any book store and look at any book on marriage, you'll see at least one photo of me about to put an ice tray with only one ice cube left in it back into the refrigerator.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Husbands Marriage Sex

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar… a practice that still continues.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Marriage

Me and my wife met at a Castanet class… we clicked.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Marriage Wives

My sister just got married; I was the maid of debt in that little event.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Marriage Money Relationships

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor
Marriage Success Wives

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace, which I think is fine, cause if we didn’t make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Marriage Money People Women

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Husbands Marriage Sleep

The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.


Communication Husbands Marriage Wives

The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter but gaining a bathroom.

Family Marriage

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Definitions Marriage

Our marriage vows: till death do us part, for better for worse, in secrets and in health.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Marriage

Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Marriage Men People Women

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Marriage

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

Marriage Wives

Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.

Definitions Marriage

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a church.

Definitions Marriage

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

Food/Drink Marriage

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year.

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Marriage Money

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

(1961 – ) Canadian–American actor, voice actor, author, producer & activist
Beliefs Marriage Religion Situations